Sarcasm.

Before I begin, I will say that this post may not make sense. I'll try to phrase things the best I know how, but its alot to say and I may end up just spewing information everywhere.

Monday night was an intense night. Arrived at church to pray at about 6. Leaders meeting at 6:30. Had dinner at 6:50. Announcements at 7:25. Started watching The Passion of the Christ from 7:30-8:35 (watched the first half, second half next week). Anyway, after all of this, we (the smallgroup) got together to discuss the film and take prayer requests.

After I had prayed, I went and talked to J. (J is the assistant leader lady of the whole group). We were discussing groups and the evening in general and some of my thoughts and concerns. Half way through our conversation I said "I'm sorry that I'm always the problem child of the leaders". This is where the sarcasm comes into this story.

J stopped me in my tracks and said "I really wish you wouldn't say things like that about yourself". To be honest, at first it really pissed me off. In my mind I'm thinking "I wasn't trying to get into a conversation about me, J. I was talking about my group." But the longer we talked, God started softening my heart to what she had to say. What God had put on her heart to say to me.

She questioned why I always did that. "Why do you hid behind your sarcasm? Is it because in your mind if you say it first then no one else can say it and hurt you?" I was in shock. And still a little pissy. But she kept talking and I realized that what she was saying was true. And it hurt me. At what point did I decide it would be better for me to talk poorly about myself than risk anyone else ever doing that? In an attempt to keep myself from being vulnerable, I started hiding behind sarcastic comments that I was convinced everyone was thinking about me. And I wasn't going to give them the chance or the privilege of saying something about me before I said it. I would take the comments from them, and then if they agreed with me after a statement like "I've just always been the big girl, I know I'm fat", it wouldn't hurt as much, because I said it first (true story). I know this sounds ridiculous, but we all have our defense mechanisms, and this is mine.

The realization of this isn't really what hurt. I know I'm sarcastic. And I think my sarcasm can be hilarious, and it usually is used for the purpose of being funny. What hurt me was thinking of what I had spoken over myself by being this way. I feel like I have in someway come to rely on this because I'm afraid of what people may say. I have been guilty of seeking for my validation and my worth in other people, in my relationships. And I would rather say something degrading about myself in a sarcastic tone than to have someone else say it and feel unworthy or like a failure. (I'm praying this makes sense).

This is the flaw with my sarcastic nature. Because at the root of this sarcasm, (not the funny kind, the other kind) is a need for me to find my worth in anything or anyone other than Jesus and who I am in Him. And that is impossible. Who I am is defined by who I am in Jesus. Why do I need to go anywhere else? I don't need other people to tell me what I am, what I am good at, and what I fail at.

In my conversation with J, she told me about the book "You are Special". When she started talking about I immediately thought this was going to be cheesy and awful. But because she is my friend and I respect her and her advice I listened. By the end of her brief synopsis, I was almost in tears, I think I hid it fairly well though (Oh my need to not cry in front of people in order to not seem weak! That's another blog for another day!).

This is my recollection of the story J told me, I hope I'm getting this right. The story is about a town full of wooden people. And some of the people have star stickers and others have plain circle stickers. The stars represent things that that person does well. The circles represent mediocrity or failures. Our main character is covered in circle stickers. One day he meets a girl from the town who doesn't have any stickers- no stars or circles. And none of the stickers would stick to her. The man covered in circles asks why she doesn't have any stickers and why they won't stick to her. Her response was that she goes and talks to her creator and He tells her who she is, she has no need for the stickers. As our main character goes and spends time with his creator and is told who he is, his stickers begin to fall off one after another.

He knew who he was in his Creator's eyes, who His Creator's had made him to be. He had no need for other people's labels of who he was, and he knew that what they thought didn't matter. What a place to be! To know who I am in Christ and to have no need for others labels or comments. To not be defined by insults and hurtful statements made by people who supposedly love you. I am a princess, a daughter of the King. And how He sees me and who He says I am is all that matters.

God, please help me remember that that is all that matters.

-r jo.