EPIC!

So I had always heard that my grandfather (Dad's Dad) was a photographer in his spare time, but I hadn't ever seen any of his pictures. I recently found a photo album with tons of his pictures! Some of them are quite awesome! I know this isn't crazy exciting to some, but to me it is! When I find my camera cord (anybody seen that, by the way?) I will be uploading some pictures of the pictures! =) Yay!

...ok...that was all...Happy Friday everyone!

-r jo.

a very peculiar prayer answered.

I'm fairly sure I've mentioned this before [or that most of you just know me and therefor know this], but in the off chance that you by some miracle have stubbled upon my blog, I'll go ahead and share. My Dad passed away March 2006. It was very sudden and unexpected. I was very close to my Dad and needless to say, I miss him very much. I often don't think of him as being dead, I just think of him as being somewhere else. Which technically- he is both. He is gone, but he is indeed somewhere else---in heaven.

The anniversary of his death just passed- 4 years [where did the time go?...] and I've been more sad and have been missing him more than usual recently. So, back to the title of this entry, I prayed a few weeks ago to have a dream about Dad. I have them every once and a while and it always makes me feel better. I feel like I've gotten to spend time with him. Its a huge blessing. And last night God answered that prayer. I had dreams about talking with Dad all night about everything that has been going on with me recently.(once I FINALLY fell asleep after 3 a.m.)

I'm so thankful that God let me have that dream about Dad. I know this may seem silly but it means so much to me. I was almost in tears when I woke up.

Thank you heavenly Father for letting me get to spend some time with my earthy Dad. =)

-r jo.

Sarcasm.

Before I begin, I will say that this post may not make sense. I'll try to phrase things the best I know how, but its alot to say and I may end up just spewing information everywhere.

Monday night was an intense night. Arrived at church to pray at about 6. Leaders meeting at 6:30. Had dinner at 6:50. Announcements at 7:25. Started watching The Passion of the Christ from 7:30-8:35 (watched the first half, second half next week). Anyway, after all of this, we (the smallgroup) got together to discuss the film and take prayer requests.

After I had prayed, I went and talked to J. (J is the assistant leader lady of the whole group). We were discussing groups and the evening in general and some of my thoughts and concerns. Half way through our conversation I said "I'm sorry that I'm always the problem child of the leaders". This is where the sarcasm comes into this story.

J stopped me in my tracks and said "I really wish you wouldn't say things like that about yourself". To be honest, at first it really pissed me off. In my mind I'm thinking "I wasn't trying to get into a conversation about me, J. I was talking about my group." But the longer we talked, God started softening my heart to what she had to say. What God had put on her heart to say to me.

She questioned why I always did that. "Why do you hid behind your sarcasm? Is it because in your mind if you say it first then no one else can say it and hurt you?" I was in shock. And still a little pissy. But she kept talking and I realized that what she was saying was true. And it hurt me. At what point did I decide it would be better for me to talk poorly about myself than risk anyone else ever doing that? In an attempt to keep myself from being vulnerable, I started hiding behind sarcastic comments that I was convinced everyone was thinking about me. And I wasn't going to give them the chance or the privilege of saying something about me before I said it. I would take the comments from them, and then if they agreed with me after a statement like "I've just always been the big girl, I know I'm fat", it wouldn't hurt as much, because I said it first (true story). I know this sounds ridiculous, but we all have our defense mechanisms, and this is mine.

The realization of this isn't really what hurt. I know I'm sarcastic. And I think my sarcasm can be hilarious, and it usually is used for the purpose of being funny. What hurt me was thinking of what I had spoken over myself by being this way. I feel like I have in someway come to rely on this because I'm afraid of what people may say. I have been guilty of seeking for my validation and my worth in other people, in my relationships. And I would rather say something degrading about myself in a sarcastic tone than to have someone else say it and feel unworthy or like a failure. (I'm praying this makes sense).

This is the flaw with my sarcastic nature. Because at the root of this sarcasm, (not the funny kind, the other kind) is a need for me to find my worth in anything or anyone other than Jesus and who I am in Him. And that is impossible. Who I am is defined by who I am in Jesus. Why do I need to go anywhere else? I don't need other people to tell me what I am, what I am good at, and what I fail at.

In my conversation with J, she told me about the book "You are Special". When she started talking about I immediately thought this was going to be cheesy and awful. But because she is my friend and I respect her and her advice I listened. By the end of her brief synopsis, I was almost in tears, I think I hid it fairly well though (Oh my need to not cry in front of people in order to not seem weak! That's another blog for another day!).

This is my recollection of the story J told me, I hope I'm getting this right. The story is about a town full of wooden people. And some of the people have star stickers and others have plain circle stickers. The stars represent things that that person does well. The circles represent mediocrity or failures. Our main character is covered in circle stickers. One day he meets a girl from the town who doesn't have any stickers- no stars or circles. And none of the stickers would stick to her. The man covered in circles asks why she doesn't have any stickers and why they won't stick to her. Her response was that she goes and talks to her creator and He tells her who she is, she has no need for the stickers. As our main character goes and spends time with his creator and is told who he is, his stickers begin to fall off one after another.

He knew who he was in his Creator's eyes, who His Creator's had made him to be. He had no need for other people's labels of who he was, and he knew that what they thought didn't matter. What a place to be! To know who I am in Christ and to have no need for others labels or comments. To not be defined by insults and hurtful statements made by people who supposedly love you. I am a princess, a daughter of the King. And how He sees me and who He says I am is all that matters.

God, please help me remember that that is all that matters.

-r jo.

Google.

As I'm looking up some things on google, I started typing "How to lose weight". I know, silly but true. Anyway, I got to "How to lo..." when the following things came up:

How to look hot
How to look pretty
How to look like a model
How to look like Megan Fox
How to look older
How to look younger
How to look like a Victoria's Secret model
How to look beautiful

All these things made me very sad when I saw them. This may sound strange, but it just made me realize how unhappy we are with ourselves. Part of me thinks of myself as a 12 year old girl who desperately wanted to be prettier and hated the way I looked. The older I get, the more I realize I wasn't alone in feeling this way. Google's suggestions come up based on what is searched most frequently. I was sad to see all of these suggestions. It screams of a society full of girls [and some boys] who aren't happy with who they are and want to look like models, or Megan Fox---because that is what we consider perfect and desirable as a body type.

I am just as guilty, if not more guilty than most, of complaining of how I look and wishing I looked like so-and-so. I do not think there is anything wrong with wanting to change your outward appearance or wanting to lose weight and be healthier. I am obviously all for changing what you look like, I'm in the process of doing that myself. But not every person who searched "How to look like a model" is overweight like me. Part of me believes that most of them are at a healthy weight and compare themselves to these models and believe they should look a certain way. I think wanting to look like a Victoria's secret model goes beyond "I just want to be healthy". God made us in His image. We are beautiful in His sight. And He doesn't appreciate His creation saying that we wish we looked different or looked like someone else. God, forgive me of being the girl who has done that for so many years.

I'm not saying that we should spend all of our days under the sun eating nachos with extra cheese for every meal because God will love us and think we're beautiful anyway. God says that our bodies are temples and that He dwells within us...I would just like to give God a little bit of a smaller, fitter, healthier temple. I have spent years treating my 'temple' very poorly. Very VERY poorly. God still loves me...all of me...which at the moment, there is ALOT to love! And He still thinks I'm beautiful, even though most days I don't feel that way.

So I decided a while back that I wanted to start honoring God with my actions and my lifestyle [including working out and eating better]. I feel like He has called me to do this. Some days, weeks, and even months are better than others, but I'm trying.

[I know this was a really random post, but I hope you didn't mind it too much =) ]

101 in 1001

I must admit, this list of 101 things to do in 1001 days was harder to think of than I thought. But after a lot of work and much thought [...and some stealing from other people's lists...], Here is my 101 in 1001!!! =)

1. Watch AFI's Top 100
2. Graduate from college
3. Get out of debt
4. Read the entire Bible
5. Journal more
6. Tithe on a consistent basis
7. Attach a note to a balloon and let it fly away.
8. Try to get a tan [this was my friend Hannah's suggestion...we'll see! =)]
9. Lose weight [God willing, I will have lost all of it by then!]
10. Work on a Habitat build
11. Make a book
12. Take pictures of Sean and I at least once a month
13. Do the 1 year of pictures challenge [challenge to me!] starting on my birthday
14. Get rid of old clothes and give them to goodwill
15. Go outside of the country
16. Learn to make my Mom's biscuits-yummy!
17. Buy a pair of TOMS
18. Keep a plant alive for at least 3 months
19. Spontaneous weekend trip with Sean
20. Try sushi
21. Watch all the Katharine Hepburn movies [don't have to re watch if on the AFI list]
22. Get a gold fish, name him Jim.
23. Buy a record player
24. Write a letter to Sean at least once a month
25. Buy a poster [i have a few different ones in mind... =)]
26. Learn to knit
27. Read 10 books
28. Make a bucket list
29. Make cookies for a friend
30. Find a cool old chair [one that a rat has not lived in] and refinish it
31. Give away an umbrella on a rainy day
32. Road trip with friends
33. Picture taking day with Joy
34. Buy a house [a girl can dream!]
35. Make a blanket
36. Go ice skating
37. Get a passport
38. Buy electric fence wire
39. Buy an antenna
40. Make another Albert
41. Go to a zoo
42. Memphis trip with Joy
43. Build a sand castle
44. Go to the beach
45. Watch sunset at beach with Sean
46. Go to the Big Bang with Joy
47. Operation Beautiful
48. Buy lunch for Mom
49. Go to a play
50. Give blood
51. Watch "The Color Purple" with Samantha
52. Find and try 20 new recipes
53. Buy some more records from that awesome guy at the Flea market!
54. Go to Chicago
55. Buy tickets to a football game and surprise Sean by taking him
56. Join a school organization
57. Get a dog
58. Buy a small sketchbook to carry around with me
59. Set aside time to read my Bible and pray daily
60. Volunteer somewhere in town
61. Play volleyball
62. New tattoo!
63. Visit Auschwitz [its a big goal, but a girl can dream!]
64. Visit D.C.
65. Have a yard sale
66. Mosaic something for Mom
67. *Attempt* to make Grandmother's Lemon Pie <---this could be disastrous!
68. Go on a picnic
69. Buy a smaller pant size AND actually be able to wear them
70. Make throw pillows
71. Go on a missions trip
72. Send a friend balloons
73. Fix clock
74. Invite classmates to church
75. Memorize 1 verse every month
76. Grow hair and donate it to Locks of Love
77. Exercise 5x a week
78. Try to sell a piece of my art
79. Write a paper at least 1 week before it is due
80. Buy a Miles Davis CD
81. Buy all of Ryan Adams CD's --- real copies, not iTunes
82. Go to a concert
83. Beat Beatles Rock Band, singing all songs on 'Expert'
84. Blog at least once a week
85. Go to a Drive in movie
86. Make breakfast for Sean and let him eat in bed--- crumbs!
87. Go to the Aquarium
88. Steal a penguin from said aquarium
89. Go to the new Irish Pub with Joy
90. Be a bridesmaid in Joy's wedding!
91. Watch The Wizard of Oz while listening to Pink Floyd's 'The Wall' with Joy
92. Go to the AMAZING bookstore in Franklin
93. Buy a book from there
94. 1 day a month for Rachel time
95. Surprise Aunt Oma and Uncle Lonnie with a surprise visit
96. Organize art supplies
97. Buy a friend dinner
98. Teach Samantha the words of Rod Stewart's "Maggie May" and "You are my Sunshine"
99. Watch The Quiet Man on St. Patrick's Day...or was it Brigadoon? =D
100. Donate $5 for every unaccomplished task
101. Complete list!

1001 days from now is November 27, 2012. Wish me luck! I'll update you as I accomplish these!