i think...

-that i have eaten soooooooooo much today, i've probably met my calorie limit for today and then some!
-that when i take a really deep breath it hurts me--- this started after eating the largest lunch ever! ...or at least the largest one i've had in a long time.
-that it is about time for a nap because i'm sitting in the super boring class and my professor has yet to show up.
-that i should work out for at least an hour and a half to work off this lunch! yikes!

I've never hurt an onion, so why do they make me cry?

Speaking of crying...why can't I stop crying?!?! Its getting a little out of control. I almost cried last night while watching "This is it" with my sister/amazing friend/only reader, Joy. [hi Joy!] My emotions can't seem to get it together---and neither can I.

In addition to not getting my emotions together, I also can't get my motivation together. I'm lazy. I've known this for a while, but its starting to become more and more apparent! My lack of motivation for the gym being the biggest display of my laziness. I finally told my small group friends that I was trying to lose weight. In the process of telling them that I needed prayer for perserverence...I cried...again! Goodness why am I going crazy!?!?

Anyway, I've only been to the gym twice this week and I'm going back later today and several other times this week [hopefully!] We'll see how it goes...and hopefully I'll stop crying to so much --- its way out of control!

-R jo.

Worry.

Things I worry about:

1.) I worry that I may someday get frostbite from wearing flip-flops so much =)
2.) Exposure to high Electromagnetic fields [EMF's] for extended periods of time can make you feel paranoid. Since I am sitting at a desk with all the wiring right underneath my feet, I worry that my feet may feel paranoid. =P
3.) I worry about failing at trying to losing the weight, therefore I don't give it as much effort as I should/could. That way when I do fail, I will at least have an excuse. I think recognizing/dealing with this will help me overcome my worry/fear of failure in this department. At least I hope so.

...just realized that two of my three worries/fears have to do with my feet...as much as I complain about their enormousness, I guess I really do like them quite a bit... =)

Also...

In addition to my quote, I thought I would let you all know that I am starting to jog...Lord, be with me...I may pass out! Starting fairly slow, 3 minutes walking and then a minute and a half of jogging...well most of the time. It started out as 2 minutes jogging, 3 minutes walking...but I was only able to do that twice. =p Hey, I tried. It was also my first morning of going to the gym at 5am. And now its 10:52 and I want to take a nap! oh goodness. I was proud of myself...we'll see if I'll be able to do it again tomorrow.

-r jo

Amazing quote...Don't really have time to write too much today! =)

"Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry." -Mark Twain

I don't know what to title this...

Recently inspired/encouraged by some friends to do so, I'm going to blog today...*heavy sigh*...about my weight and the process of trying to lose it!

I guess I should start with saying that I did not come out of the womb being ginormous...although I was a big baby! :p anyway...

From what I can remember [i suppose i tried to block some of it out] I started being the 'bigger girl' or, even worse, the 'biggest girl'in my class around fourth grade. The only thing I can attribute it to is that I wasn't ever good at sports or outdoors-y so I didn't ever exercise. The problem seemed to be semi- in control until about 8th grade. As everybody knows, middle school was hell. And as you ladies know, having a boyfriend in middle school was cool and oh so important to a girls self worth, even though it shouldn't be.

I was used to not being cool- I've never been cool- and with the exception of maybe half a dozen times in my life, being cool didn't matter to me. I was surrounded by geeky friends who made being a geek seem normal.

But to not feel worthy enough or pretty enough to have a boyfriend I think does take a toll on a girls emotions. I'm not blaming all my weight gain on that, but it did contribute. I've never been one of those "I'm too upset to eat" people...unfortunately [with one exception that I'll discuss later]. I would be sad and to cure that sadness, I would eat a gallon of ice cream- then gaining more weight, becoming more unattractive, more boys rejected me, get sad, eat ice cream...you see where I'm going with this---the cycle continued.

Something else happened in middle school, 8th grade to be exact, that was a very depressing situation. My cousin Tim died. I hadn't ever really experienced death before that. Not only did he die very young, but in very tragic circumstances. Not feeling like I could talk to my parents too much about it, [my parents were like Tim's second parents, they were devastated- especially my father] I would just sit and eat, watch TV--- really anything to get my mind off of it.

Then came high school. If I'm remembering correctly, from 8th grade until march of my senior year, I gained somewhere between forty and fifty pounds. The majority of that stemming from boys telling me I was ugly, friends making little comments here and there about what size clothes I wore, and extended family telling me I wasn't good enough or pretty enough to succeed in life or fall in love due to my weight. Once again, as illogical as it sounds, I would just eat and eat and eat. Trying to push down my emotions with a hamburger and milkshake.

In March, Dad died. I started college that fall. And from March of that year until December of that year, I maintained my weight. This was the only time in my life that I just didn't feel like eating- I was too sad and too busy to eat.

I'm not blogging to blame all my weight gain issues on my crazy out of control emotions. I admit that I am prone to laziness. A large part of my life has been spent watching TV, sitting on my bum and eating, when I could have been doing something to prevent gaining or even lose.

Any who, back to my story, somewhere in the time between December 06 until December 08, I gained about 30 more pounds...oh joy. I did somehow manage to lose 25-ish of that before I got married this past June...but I'm still holding on to a lot of this weight and I'm to a point in my life where I'm ready to put forth the effort to lose it! I've said before that I've wanted to, but I wasn't anywhere near as determined and tired of being fat as I am now.

So here are the facts...
*I want to lose somewhere between 90 to 94 pounds [my weight varies about 4 pounds from one day to the next sometimes, hence the 4 lbs range]
*I've started going to the gym again some
*But I'm going to step it up and go more frequently and longer
*If I lose 2 lbs a week, I'll reach my goal in 47 weeks [ almost a year :/ ]
*If I lose 3 lbs a week, which is more ideal/unrealistic, it will take 31.3 weeks

I'll keep you updated and let you know how its going! I would appreciate your prayers! I'll definitely need them!

-r jo.