Processing. Grieving. Eating Ice Cream.

This week has been without a doubt a very difficult one. For reasons that I refuse to go into details of right now [mostly because I may burst into tears], just know that its been tough. In all honesty, my most frequent reader[s] already know whats been going on.

The older I get the more flawed, vulnerable, and easily broken I realize I am. Things that I claim don't bother me actually torment me. My hurt feelings and insecurities are usually well disguised in the forms of jokes and sarcasm.

This is due to a combination of things. First I think it could be attributed to the fact that I've been told for years by several different people that my feelings don't matter. If I show I'm hurt, I'm weak or being dumb.

Second of all, it has something to do with the fact that I've lost so many people in my life, most by death. Some by deciding they didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. For this reason I will put up with more than most will to try to ensure that I won't be abandoned. Part of me honestly believes that if I ask for too much or say what's bothering me without a sarcastic tone, at the end of the day, I'll be alone. I know in my mind that that isn't true. But its still a fear though.

The past few weeks all of this has really been coming to a boiling point. I'm tired of letting people treat me unfairly because I'm afraid of said people not wanting to be around me. This has happened with several people [3 really], not just one. Some of those being family.

I'm having to learn that its ok to let go of relationships that aren't helping you; in some cases, hurting you. As much as it hurts to let people go, it hurts more to stay around and be treated poorly.

So after many prayers, advice, and tearful conversations- here I am. Trying to let go of whats gone. And hold on to what I have--- my God, my family and my close friends [who are actually closer to me than the majority of my blood relatives]. I thank God for all of you [friends...not random people reading this...not that anyone I don't know actually takes the time to read this]. You have been a tremendous blessing. I know that some friendships are for seasons of our lives and not forever, but you all need to stick around, ok? I don't want to find out whether or not I could handle loosing any of you.

Love,
r jo