Still Fighting It.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRlgq59dsFQ

Stubborn.

So I've felt God saying for a while now that I needed to repent from some things and that I needed to ask for brokenness. This is where the stubborn part comes in. God has been telling me this for about 2 weeks now, and up until last night I did my best to ignore Him. I have to admit that I was doing a pretty good job. I'm beginning to find my self ridiculous. I know that I need to ask for brokenness and need to repent. I know that doing so will bring me closer to God. I know that the longer I wait to do what He tells me, the harder it is for me to hear Him. And yet I know the process of being broken---been there, done that, not fun. It seems that I've been more about me having a good time with my faith than actually doing what God is calling me to do.

This all ended last night when I began to pray and repent on my way home from a party. I felt like almost as soon as the words "God, I need to be broken" came out of my mouth, He started the process. He's not slow to forgive or slow to humble us. Its a good time. The evening ended with me laying face down on the floor, crying and praying with Sean praying over me. It definitely did not appear to be one of my best moments, but in actuality it was a big God moment.

It started to make me think---If He gave everything He had for me, why am I hesitant to let Him have all of me? I'm stubborn, selfish, and delusional. And I'm working on it. Its a slow process, I didn't wake up this morning feeling like Super Christian and I do still feel somewhat distant from God, but I know I'm in the right direction. Please pray for me that I will keep my priorities in order and continue to seek after God with all my strength. It would be much appreciated!

:)

Susan Boyle, you rock!

Joy and I watched this video last night and I had forgotten how absolutely amazing Susan [we're on a first name basis] is! It did make me think of how we all have a bad habit of judging a book by its cover. Just because someone looks a little rough around the edges, doesn't mean that they aren't amazing! Being someone who is a little rough around the edges herself, believe me--- i know! If we just judge based on appearances, we will miss out on so so sooo many amazing and great things that God wants to give us and do for and through us....just a thought! :o)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk

Best thing ever!!!

The best thing ever is to be reminded that you are a piece of crap everyday... some people also like to call this "Going to work". Oh the joys of people being convinced that you are worth nothing, and therefore can walk all over you! If only my life could be like this all of the time instead of just part time!

Laughing with

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rov3pV9PsRI

...then I repented of my sins, and won the victory...

Yesterday, as I stood in church singing "Victory in Jesus", I began to think about how much I used to hate that song. For a long period of time in my teen years I had a love-hate relationship with hymns... I loved to hate them. They were just a bunch of old songs that we had to sing every single week at the church I grew up in. I got so used to singing them, I stopped thinking about what the words meant. I knew the words, sang them without EVER looking down at my hymnal.

I stood there and sang the song and really began thinking about the words. I began to regret all those times that I just sang the song because I knew the words, not because I meant it. I'm embarassed to say I did the same thing with my faith, and still sometimes do. I go to church, I say the right things, I say that I'm fine when the word is crashing in around me, and I go through the motions without really thinking.

I've been in church since I was a year old. I've heard the stories, I know the verses, I know what to say, I know the church answers....but are knowing these things making me closer to God? Am I really living my faith just by having the right answers? No.

Over the past 5 years or so, I've tried to run away from my old ways of just always saying the church answer or pretending, but old habits die hard and it is easy for me to slip back into my old ways---especially if I'm not being consistent in my time with God. I don't want to 'play church'. I don't want to go on Sundays and Wednesdays and think that I've acheived my "God quota" for the week and be done.

Its easy to claim you are something- you can claim to be a vegetarian, you can claim you don't gossip, you can claim you fast every other day, you can claim Christianity- claiming you are something and actually being it are two very different things. I'm afraid that alot of the bad rap for the church comes from us christians claming we are christians and then acting like something else. I'm guilty of it. I admit it.

But maybe by admitting it we can pop the "I'm a perfect Christian" bubble, and admit that we are all just struggling to know Christ better, and to follow HIm with all of our energy. I don't know, just a thought, I'll stop preaching now.