...then I repented of my sins, and won the victory...

Yesterday, as I stood in church singing "Victory in Jesus", I began to think about how much I used to hate that song. For a long period of time in my teen years I had a love-hate relationship with hymns... I loved to hate them. They were just a bunch of old songs that we had to sing every single week at the church I grew up in. I got so used to singing them, I stopped thinking about what the words meant. I knew the words, sang them without EVER looking down at my hymnal.

I stood there and sang the song and really began thinking about the words. I began to regret all those times that I just sang the song because I knew the words, not because I meant it. I'm embarassed to say I did the same thing with my faith, and still sometimes do. I go to church, I say the right things, I say that I'm fine when the word is crashing in around me, and I go through the motions without really thinking.

I've been in church since I was a year old. I've heard the stories, I know the verses, I know what to say, I know the church answers....but are knowing these things making me closer to God? Am I really living my faith just by having the right answers? No.

Over the past 5 years or so, I've tried to run away from my old ways of just always saying the church answer or pretending, but old habits die hard and it is easy for me to slip back into my old ways---especially if I'm not being consistent in my time with God. I don't want to 'play church'. I don't want to go on Sundays and Wednesdays and think that I've acheived my "God quota" for the week and be done.

Its easy to claim you are something- you can claim to be a vegetarian, you can claim you don't gossip, you can claim you fast every other day, you can claim Christianity- claiming you are something and actually being it are two very different things. I'm afraid that alot of the bad rap for the church comes from us christians claming we are christians and then acting like something else. I'm guilty of it. I admit it.

But maybe by admitting it we can pop the "I'm a perfect Christian" bubble, and admit that we are all just struggling to know Christ better, and to follow HIm with all of our energy. I don't know, just a thought, I'll stop preaching now.